Triggered Parents, Triggered World

TL;DR: we need a system for helping parents become aware of their own emotional triggers, and providing them with skills and knowledge to manage their BIG feelings. Without the necessary support, parents are likely to project their frustrations onto their kids, and the kids are likely to play out the same frustrations in their interactions with friends, colleagues, partners and eventually, their own children.

Parents play one of the most important, if not THE most important role, in a child’s life. The relationship we have with our parents lays the foundation for nearly all future relationships — friends, colleagues, romantic partners, our pets, and eventually and especially — the relationship we form with our own children. With that kind of onward impact in the world, isn’t it weird that we don’t have any programs at a societal level to help prepare parents… for parenting?

Because let’s be real — parenting is HARD. There is of course all the additional physical work that comes with having a child in the house (laundry, clean up, meal prep etc) and the general state of sleep deprivation that makes everything more difficult the first few years. And when you become a parent it’s not like all your other responsibilities disappear — the parenting is generally in ADDITION to the relationships and work you had to manage prior to children. But of all the things that make parenting hard, I believe what can be hardest to prepare for is the fact that our children can trigger us at an emotional level like no other.

Our ‘emotional triggers’ refer to topics that cause us to feel excessively angry, upset or helpless. They often point to aspects of our life that we might be feeling frustrated or unsatisfied with. We can be triggered by all sorts of people and situations, not just our kids. With everyone else, if we want to avoid the BIG feelings that come with being triggered, we create explanations — it was the other person, the circumstances, or the relationship just wasn’t important enough to us. Precisely because our children are “ours”, it becomes really difficult to run away or hide when they trigger us.

But just because there isn’t anywhere to hide, doesn’t mean that we magically acquire the skills and knowledge to be able to deal with being triggered. If your parents didn’t have particularly high EQ and, as is the case with 99% of schools out there, your teachers never discussed strategies for naming and managing emotions, or you haven’t invested in hours of therapy — you’re most likely going to feel lost, and may even take out your frustration on, and blame, your child for all your triggered feelings.

Our children are never to blame for our feelings. I believe it is our responsibility to become aware of the frustrated and unsatisfied parts of ourselves, and identify goals to make improvements and have strategies for managing our emotions along the way. But again, if no one taught you how to have this level of awareness, it’s kind of daunting to figure out how to go about it.

One answer is to turn to the internet — there are a slew of online resources and experts. While there is an abundance of resources, I think it can be a bit of a hit or miss. A critical first step is figuring out where you are struggling and what you need. This is not always obvious to us. Also, the content out there cannot be copy/pasted in your life because everyone’s life and circumstances are unique. So figuring out which strategies might help you address your unique set of emotional triggers can be difficult.

Another strategy is to learn from other parents. Although circumstances and context are never going to be exactly the same, with a billion+ parents on the planet, there are likely a lot of parents with similar triggers and parenting challenges to what you are facing. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a way to access that collective wisdom? While family and friends can be an important resource, a lot of them may not have the same triggers as you. I am part of a local Moms group (on social media) with a membership of ~15,000 Moms, and I’ve had a pretty good hit rate in terms of finding others who can relate to what I’m going through and offer advice. That said, I know similar groups don’t exist in most cities. There has got to be a better way to learn from other parents.

I don’t know what the exact solution to this problem looks like. I think more awareness and conversations on the topic would help. Maybe an online community where parents can share which articles/books/strategies helped them on their journey, and what specific change they brought about? Bite-size testimonials from real-life parents could help others decipher which resources might be most helpful for them. Some sessions with a coach who can help you better understand your triggers, get un-stuck, and point you to resources that can help you?

I’m not attached to any particular solution, but I do know that this is a very important problem and something I want to work on. I’m looking to connect with others who care about this issue. So, if something I’ve written resonates with you, please reach out! In particular,

• Share a story (or two!) of a personal parenting challenge/trigger and how you overcame it. Think — what is something it took me a long time to understand that I would love to help shorten other parents’ learning curve on. Share any resources that helped you on your path, and what you wish you could have known sooner.
• If you are a parent struggling or feeling stuck and looking for support but not sure where to go, message me and let’s get you connected with some resources.
• Share ideas of what would be most useful for you and parents you know. Are there certain topics around which you would especially want to learn about others’ experiences that you currently can’t really access online?
• Know of any organizations doing exactly what I’m talking about? Please let me know! I really don’t want to duplicate something that already exists.
• Want to connect in general? Email me at sameenshahid@gmail.com — I’d love to chat!